He doesn't love me...

Just as I suspected. He didn't say it back. I finally worked up the nerve one night in bed. I was so scared I was shaking. I started out saying something and he was like "what is it, just spit it out" and I was like "I just wanted to say...I love you," and I dove against him and hugged him. All he was like is "oh honey, honey I can feel you shaking." And I was like yeah "I didn't want to tell you because I thought you wouldn't say it back or you don't feel the same way." He was all "I didn't say that I don't" and I was like "Its not like that either you do or you don't" and he told me like 2x that "It was complicated" with our past and everything. He said we'd talk about it tomorrow. I got up and went to the bathroom a few minutes later and bawled. He was asleep. We haven't talked about it. I dont even know how to approach it again. It really sucks to be in unrequited love.

Moving into a loveless household?

So, I just heard back from the lady that we were approved to move into the condo we applied for. We just have to wait until the other person moves out...but we will be moved in at the latest, early March. So here I am, about to move in with AJ. The man that I love. The man that I have not told that I love him. Why oh why is it so hard? Well, I know for one thing that I am afraid he won't say it back. I would just feel so weird. I want to say it to him all the time though still, its so hard to keep it in. Lately the thought has been crossing my mind, why hasn't he told me, or made any sort of notion toward it like I do? Maybe, just maybe, he doesn't love me yet. Just very strongly like. I am not exactly sure how I feel about moving into a loveless household. I mean, when 2 people move in together, they are usually in love. This is all sort of strange to me. Sometimes I just want to look at him and shout "Why don't you love me?" "Why would you want to live with me if you don't love me?" I really, really wish I had the answer of what to do. But until then, I will continue, I am sure, to lay awake at night after he has fallen asleep and ponder all these things.

Three little words...so hard to say

So AJ and I have been "back together" now for a month and a half. I decided that I LOVE HIM. I really do...but I am too scared to tell him for the fear of that he won't say it back to me. I mean, we totally act/look like a couple in love but...whenever words of the sort come about he says things like, "like." Did I damage him or what from the last time we were together. And it really bothers me because I cannot remeber who said "I love you" first or when the first go-round 3 years ago. And how was either of us or anyone for that matter so brave? I just can't say it, I've tried, I've practiced, I've looked like an idiot to him; hovering over him when he's half asleep. Tina said wait till the right time, but all the time feels right for me...It's so hard to keep it from him. It's like I'm keeping a secret. My plan is to say it to him before Valentine's day or on it because HELLO what do all V-day cards say inside. So we'll see how the next few weeks go, if I can't say it by then, V-day is the day.

This is what its like to be deaf

There is a constant ringing in my ears. Especially in my left ear, it is horrible. And my left ear feels plugged. So this is what it is like to have hearing loss.

I went to that concert last night, the one that I had free tickets for. I didn't really know that band was a hard core "rock" band. There popular song "lips of an angel" is rock but not to hardcore. The two warm up bands were serious headbanngers. The second band a guy swung his guitar around and around his neck and once hit himself in the head.

My feet ached because I stupidly chose high heels to wear. The concert was seeming to be a bore until the 2nd band, Finger-Eleven played a song that I didn't know they played "One Thing." I was pleased. Hinder (the headliner) also did a cover of my favorite song from when I was 4. "Take me home tonight," by Eddie Money.

So as I emerged from the venue, I discovered my deafness. My best friend, Tina had plugged her ears for the intirety of the concert. She then told me the ringing was cells dying in my ear and I would never be able to hear that exact tone again. I didn't believe her until AJ told me the same.

I really hope this ringing in my ear goes away soon...I know it doesn't mean someone is thinking about me 24/7.

Maybe my luck has turned

I am 22 years old. My whole life it has seemed that I have had quite the bad luck, I admit however, many of these instances could have been avoided with a little more care payed to each situation...when I tried to move out of one of my apartments when the lease was up, I discovered I had initialed by an extra month ending up w/ a blip on my credit report. In another apartment my car is parked "in the garage" and ends up being broken into more easily than outside. I left my boyfriend that I cheated on for someone who ended up being a complete obsessive compulsive liar and I pretty much wasted 3 years of my life (ok maybe that was just me not so much bad luck.)

However, lately things have gone UP and DOWN and now, just maybe my luck has turned. It started out with me getting back together with the boyfriend I left for the crazy ass liar. Good Choice. He makes me really happy and is so sweet and we plan on moving in together already even though we've only been back together for about 4 weeks. Thats another story. Point is, I am happy with him. Our relationship started out with him giving me back my ring that he took back from me upon breaking up 3 years ago. This is a beautiful ring, albeit it is just a "promise" ring even though it really is a small engagement ring, costing $300-400.

Lately I have been making the commute of nearly hour and a half (no traffic) to go stay w/ him on the weekends. This weekend was no different. On Saturday night we went out to quite a nice dinner at an italian place. We even ordered a whole bottle of bubbly...MMM that food was good. Upon getting out of his vehicle at home and I digging in my car for something by boyfriend (lets call him AJ) decided to dig into the snow and throw a big snowball that splattered all over my arm, hand and chest. Not remembering that earlier that day, I had placed my ring on my ring finger as his mother mentioned while looking for apartments that it may be a good idea to say we were getting married soon.

NOW, that ring is too big for my ring finger. And I wasn't thinking about that is I vigorously shook my hand free of the snow. All of a sudden I felt the ring go flying of my hand and obviously disappear somewhere into the snow. I shrieked and told AJ what happened and we began to look around in the snow for it. We did not find it.

The next morning the Hawks played the Bears...and I thought to myself "If the Hawks dont win (it was a close game) then I know I will find my ring. Two bad things cant happen this weekend." That day we went out to rent a metal detector after some more searching w/ no avail. The rental place was a bit away and it closed at 3. We left at 2:35, but guess what we made it at 2:58.

After getting back that afternoon, we tested out the metal detector on various metal items and found it to work. We started in the area I lost the ring on the little sidewalk, and then searched around the area. AJ soon discovered it wasn't working because...the batteries were dead. I was so mad. But, that evening I decided to bite the bullet and buy 3 new 9 volts at a total of $10. We scanned the area some more w/ no avail. That night, in my drunken stupor, I prayed telling God I would try and be more religious if my ring was found.

Monday morning we were about to face defeat, perhaps giving one last scan and return the detector. However, AJ's dad was outside giving the area a test himself. AJ, his mom and I were talking in his room when AJ's dad walked in announing "did you lose something?" whiled holding up my beautiful ring. I was so happy I jumped up and gave him a hug. My prayer had been answered.

UH-OH, I guess I better go to church at least once sometime soon.

And then, on my way home (with one headlight we discovered before I left) I was listening to the radio. Keep track of all 7 @ 7 songs to call in for a prize. So I did, and I called and I guess I was the right caller because I named the songs and won tickets for a concert tonight. Even though it came w/ a "meet and greet" of the band from 3-4 today and I will be at work till 3:30. Oh well. Free tickets, even if they are not the greatest band ever.

So you see, my life has been crap and I have had some jubilations lately. I cant wait to move in with my boyfriend and be all happy ( I hope.) Sure enough, I am getting my damn ring sized asap.